The Quaid Chronicles

Quaid doesn't get jokes.

2007-10-02T02:03:00.000+10:00

She just doesn't get them. Even if they're obvious.... the only jokes she seems to understand are when you are criticizing the store manager who has some ridiculous ideas about how to run a store. She doesn't seem to get sarcasm either, and if you were to point out that you were either joking, or being sarcastic, she would treat you like YOU are the moron. Hopefully she'll die in a car crash one day.

Drive-thru incident...

2006-06-13T01:49:00.000+10:00

Tonight I had the pleasure of doing drive-thru with Mr. Quaid... Recently I discovered that there is a little switch in the headset controller box that activates the loop detector with no car present at the speaker. When other people are doing headset I often flip the switch to confuse the hell out of the person because no matter what happens when the loop detector activates it transmits the "Ding" to all the headsets which tells the order-taker to do their job. Activating the switch can give the order taker "phantom" cars. I did this to Quaid twice tonight... to get him a little confused... Then when a car did rock up and I was standing next to the switch he assumed that he didn't need to take the order... he thought it was a phantom. I promptly told him... "Quaid, take the order, there's actually a car at the box." To which he says "Come on, I'm not falling for that one..." I tell him again... He holds down A and transmits the following to the orderbox, not knowing that there's actually a car there: "Whoever it is out there: FUCK OFF!" The customer hearing this immediatly inquired to what the hell he had just said. To which he fell on the floor laughing... That problem took a lot of explaining to get rid of...

Happy Anniversary Quaid Chronicles

2006-05-30T01:00:00.000+10:00

Quaid Update

2006-04-16T23:40:00.000+10:00

Its been a while since my last post here. Well a lot has changed at work. I have had to reduce my workload down to just one shift per week. I have also started working out the front, as opposed to working out the back. I used to always work in the kitchen, and now 90% of the time I am working in Drive-thru. So whats changed? Luke Finco left, and didn't come back. This is the ultimate blessing for us. Andy especially likes not having him around. I really felt sorry for Andy having to deal with that cunt all the time. Oh well... so much was wrong with that kid, that I really don't know where to start. We still get to deal with Luke Sands, although I have come to the conclusion that I don't really dislike him, and he's not particularly stupid. I guess I was just going thru a rough patch for a while and didn't really know what I thought of him. He's really not that bad. The store manager and the store owner had a huge fight. I didn't see them fighting but I think that it would have been quite exciting to see. All I knew was that I was starting at 3, and when I arrived at the store a bunch of Managers were standing in the carpark talking. Having worked there for long enough now, I am privy to more information than your average worker. I knew what had happened in the three-weeks that the store manager had taken stress leave, while the rest of the crew were speculating about what happened and whether he was ever going to come back. There were even rumors that the store-manager had quit because "He had joined a drug ring". I've said it before and I'll say it again. Rumors are fucking stupid. Roxy quit. She is now working at Blockbuster in Albert Park. Anyway, we are quickly approaching the first anniversary of the Quaid Chronicles, so I hope that you'll all stick around for the mad party that we'll be hosting. See you there.

The Comings and Goings of Apprentice Quaid (Part 2)

2005-09-15T14:50:00.000+10:00

I heard a rumor that he is leaving again. I am trying to find substantial evidence for this claim. I also have a new Apprentice Quaid who needs to be added to the Blog as soon as possible. You all know who I am talking about.... If anyone wants to write something about him that would be great. The only problem is that he knows that the blog exists and he has read it in the past. I can only give clues as to who he is: he broke the mop bucket repeatedly.

The comings and goings of Apprentice Quaid

2005-08-29T04:06:00.000+10:00

Well, this chronicle has pretty much blown over at work. It all happened about five weeks ago. I have been planning a post about this since the incident, but have just been so busy. Anyway, here goes: Apprentice Quaid was offered a job outside Maccas for $450 per week by his "father" installing fire suppression systems (sprinklers etc.) When everyone heard the news morale went so fucking high. Even our oldest, longest-working worker (who is known for being rather grumpy) was overjoyed. On his last shift after he left it was so bizarre, the thought that you will never have to work with this moron was right there in the front of your mind at all times. You were happy to be working. Moron was gone! Hail the chief! Whatever! The next week was like working in the Maccas in heaven! Everyone was so happy! And then her came back. Saying that his job had "fallen through" and that his Dad's sprinkler company had gone broke (and you wonder why - hiring idiots who add 2 and 2 and get 60 doesn't help) and that he was coming back to maccas. Now who in their right mind would hire this unwashed miscreant? Our store owner. That's who. Against the wishes of every person in the store, he rehired this loser and forced us to all work with him. God that man annoys me sometimes. And as for our oldest-working worker; I wouldn't have wanted to be there when they told this giant who was coming back.

Quaid and the missing telephone. [1]

2005-07-19T12:13:00.000+10:00

A few weeks ago I turned up for work on the Tuesday and Quaid 1 was there. I came upstairs a few minutes early like I normally do and he asked me to ring another of the workers using the store mobile to find out where she was. Anyway, Quaid asks me to ring her so I ask him where the store phone is. Usually it is left in the office or on top of the production bin where it is easy to find. Today it wasn't these so I asked Quaid where the phone was. "Quaid, where's the mobile?" He replied with his typical look of ignorance: "I don't know, Isn't it in the office?" "No its not, is it in your pocket?" I asked him. "No, I haven't seen it all shift he replies. Anyway, he asks me to ask another of the workers if he has seen the phone. I ask him and replies by saying "Maybe [Insert store owner's name] has it??" Anyway, I go back inside and keep looking for the phone. I ask Quaid if he will ring it, so he does, after first spending 5 minutes looking for the number. The problem with keeping all the numbers of the workers in the phone is that when the phone goes missing so do all the numbers of the workers and the number of the phone so it is difficult to find when you really need it. Anyway, it starts ringing, Its definitely in the office somewhere. I can hear the ringer loud and clear. I realise where it is. The anger is building up in me, I want to kill him. He has had me on a wild goose chase for the last half-hour and all the time the phone is in his pocket. Typical Quaid. Moron.

Quaid and the Pocketed Keys [1]

2005-07-11T19:57:00.000+10:00

You won't believe what happened last Saturday. This is now the second incident involving Quaid's keys, here's what happened. Quaid has asked me to run down to the cage and get him a few boxes of gloves. So he begins to search his pockets for the keys which were still in my pocket from my last trip downstairs. I then told Quaid that I already had the keys (he ignored me and continued looking for the keys). I then took the keys out of my pocket and waved them in front of him and said "I've got the keys". He said "Hold on a minute, I'm trying to find my keys" and he walked away to look for them in the office. It was then that I realised that I wasn't going to get through to him, so I went downstairs and got the gloves. Man is he stupid.

How PMS Works.

2005-07-02T13:54:00.000+10:00

I thought you guys might care about this article I found on HowStuffWorks.com. Thus, I present "How PMS Works.
How PMS works.

Every month like clockwork, some women come down with a strange collection of symptoms. They may become irritable, snapping at their family and friends without the slightest provocation. They may forget where they put their car keys and have trouble paying attention during meetings at work. They may crave chocolate or find themselves sneaking a few pieces of pizza after their children have gone to bed. Or they may suddenly hate the way they look because they feel bloated and their hair looks oily and lifeless. We are quick to give these symptoms a label: premenstrual syndrome, or PMS. But what is PMS? Some people dismiss it as "that time of the month" -- an excuse that women give in order to eat tons of chocolate and get away with acting a bit cranky. But doctors recognize PMS as a real medical condition, with real physical and psychological symptoms. For many women, the symptoms are debilitating enough to interfere with their lives. In this article, we'll discover how doctors identify PMS, learn the underlying causes of this ailment and find out how women who suffer from it can find relief.

REAL LIFE IN THE US! [1]

2005-06-27T03:09:00.000+10:00

The other night at work, me and a co-worker, Carrie, were discussing a movie called Battle Royale. Quaid, eaves-dropping as that mannerless whore does best, came in and started discussing about a REAL LIFE TV show he saw on Foxtel, where in the states, competitors fight each other to the bloody death. I told him that's impossible, it's inhumane, and there's no way known a civilised country would allow such a thing. I brought up that maybe he caught on to a movie called Series 7, where people are selected randomly by gun license numbers, and put against each other to fight to the bloody death. He says, that it wasn't a movie and definitely a show on TV. He was actually so positive that it was real, I can't stress this enough, it scares me to think that someone could be stupid enough to think this is real. He then mentioned a particular character in this show he was watching, and then I went on to describe the rest of her actions in the film. Then he realised how much of an ass he looked like, and shut up. LOL. What a laugh, feels good to make him look like an idiot, especially in front of women cause that's what he hates most. Feels so good not to be Quaid. -OUT

Admin Note: Blogger Images

2005-06-26T17:19:00.000+10:00

Blogger, out blog host has just released a great new way to post images to the blogger server. This means that BLOGGER will host the images, which means that you don't need web-space to post images to the blog. Just follow these easy instructions.

Quaid and the misgiven counseling slip. [2]

2005-06-26T16:55:00.000+10:00

Last night was an interesting shift. Both Quaid 1 and 2 were working. Quaid 2's shift actually went quite well. Just as she was leaving she gave me this: Counseling Slips are usually given as a disciplinary action. This one reads:

Silas has always been great to work with and helps me to run the shift smoothly. He always looks after the kitchen, deli and shows extra effort especially when busy. He is always cheerful, very positive towards other crew and at the same time leads by example. What you are doing now is fantastic and helpful to managers so keep doing what you are doing... and well done!

That is a counseling form. Those are meant to me given as a disciplinary action. I think she must just like writing.

Welcome Artiom

2005-06-25T14:19:00.000+10:00

Everyone, say "yo" to our newest quaider Artiom. I am inviting strez as we speak.

Quaid and the thousand dollar staircase. [1] - Extension

2005-06-19T06:49:00.000+10:00

Just extending the original post... What Quaid had decided to do, on this ever so busy shift, was to connect a hose to a tap in the back area. He then decided to hose down the entire back area, and then mop it all up, (1/2 an hour) then he realised that the stairs also required a good clean so he decided to hose them down too, only to realise there was a: no drain at the bottom of the stairs, and b: that he had to mop it all up. On completion of this ever so useless task, (only one of many), I went to check out this job of his. What he has managed to do was dislodge all the dirt and sediment that had clogged up the non-slip tracks at the edge of every stair, and since there was so much, (30 years worth, lol), he had actually given up and left the stairs in a worse state than when he begun. I was ready to walk out then and there...

Quaid and the still missing keys [1]

2005-06-19T01:19:00.000+10:00

Tonight Quaid's keys went on extended absence. Artiom had them at the end of the shift and Quaid didn't even realise, even when he sent us home. I think Artiom gave them back in the end but man is that man stupid.

Admin Note

2005-06-19T00:45:00.000+10:00

Could you all please make sure that your real name is inside your blogger profile. This will help me administrate. This means you Roxy and Alex, if you wouldn't mind. You're "Display Name" can be anything you want if you would like some privacy. Thanks a lot. Silas -Administrator

Quaids extended rain break [1]

2005-06-18T13:58:00.000+10:00

It was a busy friday night only a few weeks ago, bucketing down with rain outside. There we're three or four lines of customers going all the way to the stools in the front window. At the time it was only me doing 4:1 and 10:1 as Silas had left to get some stock of some sort. I remember I was making nine regs when the buzzer went off. I lifted up the toaster, grabbed the tray and burned my self. Not being able to continue with the regs I went to see Quaid to see If he had any burn cream. (The burn was so bad I still have a scar today). Then I looked outside where Quaid was having a smoke in the rain, (not on the little covered verandah, actually in the rain), so I thought I'd finish the regs and wait for him to come back inside. The 15th minute had past and I was still in pain, so I looked for Quaid one last time. The last place I thought he would be was outside. He was still standing in the rain having a second smoke but there was no second cigarette. HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE...IN THE RAIN...GETTING WET. I wisely chose not to interrupt him. I just went back inside.

Here we go people.

2005-06-15T16:28:00.000+10:00

I have updated the "byline" of our little blog to represent our new grassroots campaign to have the word "Quaid" added to the dictionary. All we need to do is get enough people to use the word and it will be officially added to the dictionary so convince your friends family and other people (but not any quaids).

Quaid n. A person of limited intelligence in a position of authority.

Ello, Me da new Quaid

2005-06-15T16:25:00.000+10:00

Tank yoo Silas for invitin me in to dis great blog YEAH "Quaid Chronicles" Peace Out

Quaid and the thousand dollar staircase. [1]

2005-06-09T21:08:00.000+10:00

It was a busy weekend evening, the concert of a popular musician across the road at the Palais Theatre. Maccas was hopping. Sales were sitting around $700 per hour at around 11:00PM (very busy) just before the concert was set to finish and release 1000's of hungry, drunken people upon us. At 11:30 the kitchen called to Quaid to get him to help us. Nowhere could he be found. After about ten minutes we located him. He was busy mopping the stairs that lead to the basement. A highly stupid task to do while the kitchen needs help with cooking food (a primary task). At least we know what he was doing. Mostly he just disappears without a trace. Edit: This post has been extended.Part 2 by Che Aleko.

2005-06-06T03:38:00.000+10:00

QUAID (Kuato really, but for the sake of this blog, he's QUAID1)

Dossier

2005-06-04T02:01:00.000+10:00

Quaid 1
sex: male
physical age: 30-40
mental age: 13-15
brain capacity: < 1 cubic cm
stupid-o-meter: unmeasurable
Quaid 1 is the original Quaid. He is blind, deaf, stupid and extremely horny around cheese calls. Known for eating raw eggs and cooking unusual food for the crew Quaid 1 is an example of a truly unusual species. He has a mate and two offspring (and here we were thinking that Quaids could not reproduce). It is unknown wheather Quaids young will end up as Quaids or if they will simply be stupid. We will wait and see. Only two things are currently know about this example of the Quaid species: He needs every one to open their minds to him. His intelligence is only matched by his beauty. It is not known whether his brain is smaller than his dick. Everything else is just speculation. Quaid 2 sex: female
physical age: 30-40
mental age: 20 or so
brain capacity: about 5 cubic cm
stupid-o-meter: usually in the medium to high range
Quaid two has the most annoying laugh ever. And what makes it really bad is that she uses it frequently. People know how good my laughs (Edit: Silas's) are but even I can't reproduce such a tone. This quaid pretends to be nice to get you on her side, then she strikes. She will do something so stupid that even a retard could get it right. She often demands unreasonable stuff and then says "ok, don't worry about it". Avoid if possible. Apprentice Quaid Apprentice Quaid satisfies the first part of the meaning of the word quaid, but he lacks the authority to be a full quaid, hence the apprentice addendum. sex: male
physical age: 16
mental age: < 0
brain capacity: < one cell.
stupid-o-meter: worse than Quaid 1
The owner of our store (Quaid 3 probably) hired this unintentional miscreant on the basis that he had worked in Maccas in Dubbo for a year and a half. Little did Quaid 3 know (most quaids know little) that he only knew how to make fries. We have tried to train him into a valuable crew member but have failed. He is a no hoper. It took 3 weeks full time to just get him OK working on F+P and he still isn't competent. Perhaps we should give up.

Frequently Asked Questions

2005-06-04T01:42:00.000+10:00

Ask your question and it will be answered here! You can either email one of the contributors or me directly.

What are all those numbers in square brackets next to the posts?

This number refers to which Quaid the post is about (there are a number of Quaids).

Where can I find information about all these Quaids?

Yes, we will shortly be publishing a dossier with information about all of the Quaids.

What does it mean when you say [incident] next to a post?

This means that it was a Quaid-like incident performed by a non-Quaid.

What is a quaid in training

At this time there is only one Quaid in Training. He has the necessary brainpower to be a Quaid, but lacks the Authority, thus the Quaid-in-Training.

Quaid and the fake fifty. [1]

2005-05-30T21:24:00.000+10:00

The location of my workplace is a bit "liberal". Drugs and alchohol flow freely and prostitutes and other types are commonly seen. Its the red light district of Melbourne. So we get our fair share of weirdos. One such drug addict decicides to come in and order some kind of food (use your imagination) and decides to pay using counterfeit money. A fake $50 note. (I'll post a picture another time). It was reasonably fake looking (I could tell the difference from behind the production bin) and as the server was a newish hire I reminded them to always say "Check 50 or 100" when recieving those notes. They remembered and did their job and Quaid 1 came out from the managers office to take a look. Something was wrong - when he picked it up he felt it, then felt it again. The texture of the note was different to a real $50 note. He examined it under the lights. He ran his hands over it. He was really closely checking it. He tried to rip the corners (and succeded) and he was clearly suspicious. All in all he examined the note for about 3 minutes and then gave the junkie his change all $45 of real money in exchange for his worthless copy - and this guy had the nerve to order a grill. Anyway — here is the real kicker. After this customer left Quaid "remembers" that the note was fake. I say "remembers" but who really knows what goes on inside his head? Anyway he says that it was actually Jon who checked the fifty. Lucky that the video camera catches everyones movements. This lie was of course reported to Long and who knows what happened after that.

Tales of Quaid

2005-05-30T20:50:00.000+10:00

Welcome to a blog about the stupid things that you hate about work, about the people in charge who shouldn't be. About the blind stupidity displayed by a certain two managers at McDonalds. Hi, my name is Silas - and these are the Tales of Quaid.